Part 2: How to Lose a Dictator
Part 2: How to Lose a Dictator
by Ann Nguyen
This article is the continuing second parts to "how to lose a Dictator." The first part of this article has focused on faking a terminal illness. In this second part, the article will focus on how to get away with the terminal illness ploy.
Keep in mind, you can say all you want about dying, but if you're not certified, no one will believe you. So get certified, and live! No pressure, just a lot of warning. Okay, so how do you fake a certified illness? It's simple. You will need the following:
Things that will save your life.
1. A computer.
2. A printer.
3. Inks in printer.
5. A digital camera.
6. Some kind of photoshop software.
(Gimp is very powerful, and it's free.)
7. You will also need access to the Internet.
8. And a fake will.
It starts here!
Step 1. Turn on your computer and login to your Internet service provider. Go to dogpile, google, yahoo, or bing to search for images of a certification of illness. Surprisingly, people will share anything online now a day, so an hour or more can yield many results. Try to pick the results that will apply to your case. For example, if you had dabbed red dots all over your body, look for symptoms with red dots. Make sure it's contagious and deadly. Otherwise, there's no point. You'll get better, and all he has to do is wait. You don't want that. You want him to run the moment he sees you.
It's time to frown for the camera.
Step 2. Take several digital photos of yourself in the semi-nude/underwear or nude if you like, and save it into the computer. Don't get freaky on me. Additionally, create several search trails like articles search and forum questionings onto your computer. What you are doing is faking a massive search on the illness, making it seemed as if you're panicking.
Just a little tweaking!
Step 3. Activate your photoshop software and load the certification of illness photo. Erase the name on the certification and enter yours. If there's a picture on the certificate, change this as well. If you are not very familiar with photoshop, check online. There are many good tutorials available on this matter, so I won't go into details on how to use the software. At this point, you're probably thinking there's no such thing as a certification of illness! Yes, there is. It's called a doctor's note. The fancy one is one with a photo. Look those for to insure guarantee of acceptance of illness.
Step 4. Print out the certificate and hide them somewhere. Don't hide it so well that no one can find it. You want someone to find it. On cautionary note, if you live with someone, family members or friends, make sure they know ahead of time or send them on a trip somewhere during this duration. You don't want to frighten the people on your social network and become a leper overnight. And...if you do let them know, make sure they are willing to be tortured to keep the secret.
Bloody Hell! It better be real!
Step 5. Buy a sample blood of the illness online. Surprisingly, people will share anything online now a day. It might cost you money, but it's your life we're talking about here. So a little or a lot of money is no big deal if you live to tell the tale. Of course, buying illness blood is not going to be as easy as finding a photo. You'll probably have to search underground for that, a secret network of blood sellers. Once you get the blood, double check with a lab to make it is the correct blood. You don't want to end up buying just plain old blood. You want the real stuff. Yes, it will cost more money, but you can also use the results from the lab as more evidences.
A will to say "Yes, I'm dying."
Step 6. Go online and download a living will form and fill it out. Cry as you write it, allowing the tears to drip onto the paper. If you can't cry, get some lemon or onion. You'll need real tears if he's the paranoid kind. If he's willing to spend money to analyze the teardrops, your dead. If you're willing risk it, you can use fake tears using a little salt with water. Add a little salt (not much) with water into an eyedropper. Mix them up. Every now and then start dripping away! Don't over do it thought. It's supposed to be tears of pain and not rain.
I declare you will catch it!
Step 7. It's time for the physical test. His doctor is awaiting you. This will be the most expensive and dangerous. You will need a little acting skill, and some good connections. To avoid him (the doctor) examining you, emphasize that you are contagious, and if he examines you, he does it at his own risk. Of course, if he doesn't examine you, the Dictator will probably give him something too. The poor doctor will be torn as to what to do. It is at this point that you offer him a middle ground. You offer to give yourself a physical exam in front of him.
Don't get freaky on me.
Make sure he doesn't get freaky on you. The best way to go about this is to be professional. Think Magician and showmanship as you switch the blood sample. Remember to practice, practice. The less nervous you are, the less likely he'll notice your actions.
Life or Execution? Only time will tell.
Step 8. It's time to wait. If it goes well, you live! Run! Leave the country! Don't look back. If you fail, hide! Cry! Plea insanity!