Mushroom Farmer

Too bore to think straight.

By Ann Nguyen

“Man, I am bored!” moaned Adam as he slumped deeper into his patio chair, staring out into empty space. All around him, crickets amorously chirped their mating songs, filling the void silent.

"Let's do something then?"

"There's nothing to do."

"You said that yesterday."

"Well, there ain't nothing to do."

“Coming on man, if I sit still here any longer I'm going to end up growing mushrooms,” complained Jospeph as he too adjusted his patio seat.



"I'm not hungry. Why would I want to eat mushroom right now?"

“No! I am growing them because it's so boring!” Jospeph shouted, scratching his neck and then swiftly swashing a mosquito on his left arm. Another enduring pause as Adam stared into empty space. With a quick jerk, he bolted upward,

“What kind of twisted person grows mushrooms out of boredom?! God, if you must have a farm, couldn’t you grow something that I can eat? Like... a- potato or something? How do you even grow them anyway? Don't they grow on some kind of logs and...and dead materials?”

Joseph shrugged.

Adam abruptly leaned closer, “Oh my god, please tell me you’re not growing mushrooms on dead bodies?!” Joseph widen his eyes, but before he could reply, Adam interrupted him. “Is that it? you’re growing mushrooms on dead bodies!” A mask of concerns painted on his face, he slowly backed away as if he were a prey facing a predictor. “Tell me it isn’t true?” Adam pleaded.

“Do I look like a mushroom farmer?” Joseph answered.

“Is this a trick question? Cause if I say yes, would you turn me into a farm?”

Joseph chuckled, wiping the sweat from his head. Today was hotter than usual, and everybody was going nut, including his friend. “Yah I might consider it, cause ya body so tender.” Joseph chuckled, drowning down his glass of ice cool lemonade.

“Whose…Whose dead body have you been using to-” Adam stopped midway. Silent. “Well?! are you going to tell me or what?” A chuckle. “No, no, I don’t want to know. It’ll make me your accomplice. As long as you didn’t kill anybody…I-I don’t care. He squinted his eyes in suspicion. Suddenly staring with jaw wide open, “You didn’t kill anybody, did you?”

“What do you think?”

“Ah good.” Silent. “But where would you get the body to—Oh my god! didn’t you offered me a mushroom sandwich last week?! Son of --! you made me eat mushrooms that were grown on a dead body?! What kind of sick friend are you?!!”

For a while, Joseph just stare, a teary expression on his face as he bit down his lips. “There were no mushrooms in your sandwich,” he finally answered in an unusually calm manner.

“I don’t believe you! I remember eating something in your burger!”

“Yah meat,” Joseph filled in, holding his grin still. “Man, you gotta quit the dope smoking.”

Adam ignored him and continued to ramble. “Shitload! are you stuffing me up for your next crop? No reply. Answer me!” He shouted.

“Ain't ya acting a little paranoid here?”

NO! and…you’re not going to get away with it!” Adam assumed a defensive stand. “I know judo, so if you come near me-- I swear I'll cut you up!”

"With what?"

"With these legally sharp hands!"

“Unable to resist laughing anymore, Joseph fell to floor. “Dude, save your cutting hands for your dinner. I ain't interested in your body for a mushroom farm. ” He bites his lips to contain his impulse to laugh again.

“Why else would you grow mushrooms? It just doesn’t made no sense.”

“When I said I was growing mushroom, I was talking about how mushroom can grow out of me because all I do is sit here.

“Ahh.” Adam said, shrugging it off. “Man, I am so bored.”

“Me too. I am so bored I am growing mushroom.” Joseph grin.

”Yah, I am so bored I am growing potatoes.”